Oh, Twitter. Isn’t it just the greatest? Twitter is an amazing communication tool that has helped hundreds of thousands of people disseminate their messages unfettered across the internet. It’s also democratic, in that you follow who you want. If someone “tweets” something idiotic, you can drop them like a flaming fajita hot plate carried by a half-drunk Chili’s waitress.
Here are 7 ways to know you are a Twitter Tool and need to stop your behavior or else you’ll lose all your followers. Or maybe in the great tradition of Americans who experience any level of success in anything, you’re looking to self-destruct.
1) You follow hundreds of people in the hopes that they will follow you back. This is super tooley. You take it up a notch by un-following people after you get a follow.
2) You talk about what you had for lunch–but you leave dessert out.
3) You (and your tweets) are featured on this website: tweetingtoohard.com
4) You mention the following phrase: “twitter follow/follower ratio.” If you think in terms like this then you just don’t get it and will lose.
5) How good your day is depends on your twitter “stats,” ie, if you gain 20 followers, it’s a good day. A bad day is when you get dropped by 30. When nothing happens, you sink into depression and can’t bear to look at your iphone.
6) When someone tells you they aren’t on twitter, you actually feel a little superior to them. Watch out for this one. If this happens to you, it is time to do some serious self-analysis.
7) Your name is John Mayer.
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